Coin-Money Lobbyists Strip Away Traditions at the “Poles”

Kella Patin, Class of 2015

America is a nation in crisis. Every day our morals and values are challenged, and we must rise to the occasion and defend them. Foreign threats to deconstruct us are always looming over our heads. Now, citizens of our own country are betraying the land of the free: there is currently a lobby to switch from paper money to dollar coins.

This plan is allegedly to save the government money—up to $5.5 billion in 30 years—in the production and circulation of money in the United States. However, I have another theory: one of our most sacred traditions is being attacked. The Dollar Coin Alliance means to force us to switch to coins by removing the dollar bill from our currency altogether.

Perhaps some of you don’t remember, but the dollar bill depicts a portrait our first president, George Washington, a true American hero. How can Americans be expected to part with such a valuable symbol of our liberty?

But good-ole’ George isn’t the only tradition that would be struck down in the event of a switch to the exclusive use of dollar coins. Another one of our revered figures of freedom would be utterly dismantled should we eliminate the dollar bill.

I speak, of course, on behalf of the stripper lobby.

Strippers make their honest livings from their tips, which are courteously handed to them as they perform on-stage. Their hard work and perseverance in a competitive industry represents the true nature and values of this great land of ours.

But how are strippers supposed to collect tips made of metal? Certainly not in their pockets. And what about the loud sound made by the coins hitting the stage? That would most definitely drown out the music needed for these ladies to do their jobs. A large quantity of coins would also be difficult to transport to the bank with the intent of deposit. Paper money is a crucial part of a stripper’s livelihood. If we can no longer tip the strippers, then what will become of these brave American icons?

I beg of you: when you next consider the possibility of eliminating an inconvenient mode of currency that can circulate for no more than 3 years, occupies landfills, and is incredibly likely to contain traces of cocaine, please, think of the strippers.

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